Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
