You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just tell him i said nine months
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
