I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
