you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize