a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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