you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
