found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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