We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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