I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
