Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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