Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Life is so much better after having sex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
