I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
