My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
