I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
