im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
