oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
