Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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