We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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