I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
