i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
