The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
