If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Is it penis luge time yet?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
