yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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