So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
