eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
