How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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