Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
