I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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