My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
