I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
smell my finger.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
