Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
