jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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