make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
