omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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