While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The struggles of a small town man whore
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
