if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
