Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i need some magic done to my vagina
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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