After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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