Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
