Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs