someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.