i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.