Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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