The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
