that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
