Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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