You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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