She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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