Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
