my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
