i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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