She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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