as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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