The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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