At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Pants are for mortals
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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